We all dread tough conversations.

Some mentally rehearse these interactions over and over before initiating the real thing. Others push the interaction off as long as possible. Whatever your coping mechanism, these moments can be uncomfortable.

Negotiations are no different—especially at work. Whether it’s more pay, an increase in remote days or a stretch assignment, you might be dreading the upcoming conversation. 

It’s worse for women, who face differences in negotiation results, including less success and more backlash. This leads to fewer opportunities, smaller paychecks and negligible comfort in the office. Despite women negotiating as often as men do, they’re only half as successful in achieving their asks.

What if you didn’t have to negotiate at all?

That’s a question Worthmore Strategies CEO Kathryn Valentine posed in her recent TEDx. Valentine has made a career out of helping women advance at work and has several years of negotiation research under her belt. In her TEDx, she introduced her “secret to negotiating as a woman”: the relational ask.

“The best researchers in the world have pointed us toward how to negotiate specifically as a woman. What I’ve seen over the last 10 years of coaching is that while the research pointed us in the right direction, it was still a bit too nebulous for professional women,” Valentine said. “I’ve filled that gap by creating a formula to help women be more successful in their negotiations and reduce the risk of backlash.”

Here’s what the relational ask is—how to do it and why it’s necessary.

The Unfortunate Truth: The Relational Ask Is Necessary

All too often, we hear stories of women confidently asking for what they need or openly demonstrating their desires for the workplace—and how these situations have backfired.

Like this woman who shared her story on Reddit. 

She was given a lateral promotion without a pay increase, with the understanding that a raise would follow. After a year of hard work, it was time to ask for that raise. The issue? Her supervisor had retired and his replacement did not know about the agreement. 

When she entered the conversation, she was asked to provide documentation of her roles and responsibilities—which included going from divisional support to supporting an entire department, tripling her workload—and was met with the feedback that she didn’t “do enough” for a raise.

This story makes one thing clear: women have to go above and beyond not only in their jobs but in showing how well they do their jobs to earn respect. Moreover, the traits women may demonstrate when asking for what they deserve—self-assurance, competence and ambition—are praised in men, but in women, they spark backlash.

This is the elephant in the room we must address.

Yes, it is unfair that women have to filter the way they negotiate to have anywhere near the same success in asking for what they need as men.

“Up to this point, we’ve been handed negotiation tools that were built for men, and we’ve collectively acted like they should work for women,” Valentine said. “They don’t.”

Dealing with systems that weren’t created for women in the workforce (not to mention ongoing gender bias in the workplace) is an unfortunate fact of being a working woman today. And, it’s not going away anytime soon. The International Labour Organization estimates it’ll take more than 190 years to achieve global gender parity.

But you can’t wait for gender parity to ask for that raise, a well-earned promotion, or more hybrid flexibility. You need to know how to make the ask now, with as little risk of backlash as possible.

The Pieces of a Relational Ask

According to Valentine, the relational ask has four components:

• Past performance. What have you previously accomplished that matters?
• Future vision. What does everyone in the room want?
• The ask. What do you want?
• Collaborative question. A question to get the conversation started.

The most important part? Once you’ve asked your question, stop talking to avoid negotiating against yourself or over-justifying your ask.

Altogether, a relational ask should take about two minutes.

Examples of Relational Asks

While it takes some preparation, the relational ask is quite simple in practice. Here’s an example:

Instead of walking into your boss’s office and saying, “I deserve a raise,” try this.

• Past performance: “As you know, I’ve hit my KPIs for the past three years that I’ve been at the company.”
• Future vision: “I can do it again this year…”
• The ask: “…In order to do that, I’d like compensation commensurate with the results I’ve delivered.”
• Collaborative question: “What do you think?”

Sew it together: “As you know, I’ve hit my KPIs for the past three years that I’ve been at the company. I believe I can do it again this year. In order to do that, I’d like compensation commensurate with the results I’ve delivered. What do you think?”

Or, if you know you’ll need to adjust your in-office hours to account for school pickup, try:

• Past performance: “As you know, I’ve piloted a new strategy that’s been getting great results.”
• Future vision: “I’m looking forward to expanding its reach…”
• The ask: “To deliver my best work, I need to be able to pick up my kids from school.”
• Collaborative question: “Can we make that work? Perhaps I can come in early each day?”

Altogether, it looks like:

“As you know, I’ve piloted a new strategy that’s been getting great results. I’m looking forward to expanding its reach. To deliver my best work, I need to be able to pick up my kids from school.  Can we make that work? Perhaps I can come in early each day?”

This last example is significant. Women take on more than 2.5 times more hours each day on care and domestic tasks than men, adding to their workload significantly. Asking for help in managing these tasks alongside your job is important—and should be normalized.

No matter what you’re negotiating for, the relational ask opens the floor for a productive, respectful and results-driven conversation.

Relational Asks Work

The relational ask might be the missing piece to your negotiation skillset.

When women use a relational ask, they are more likely to be successful in achieving what they want—and even strengthen relationships with those they are negotiating with. Moreover, this negotiation style virtually eliminates the risk of backlash—an unfortunate worry that many women deal with when entering tough conversations.

Valentine also highlighted that having a reward planned immediately after a negotiation can lead to better performance, so scheduling a dinner with friends or treating yourself to some new shoes isn’t frivolous—in fact, it might be the motivator you need to walk into that tough conversation. Even better: telling your friends ahead of the dinner that you’re going to negotiate might create even more accountability to actually have the conversation, especially if you’re feeling nervous.

“Professional women are one of the busiest segments of the population,” Valentine said. “I can’t expect you to negotiate on top of everything that’s already on your plate, so creating this formula helps women negotiate more successfully and prepare in far less time than it used to take.”

So next time there’s something that could improve your working life, try a relational ask to get the conversation started.

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